Some people might be surprised that in the early nineties I took a political turn into liberalism. In fact, I actually voted for mostly Democrats in the 1994 election. In a cruel twist to my ego, that just so happened to be the election that Democrats got swept out of Congress in a midterm blowout, now referred to as the Republican Revolution.

Some interesting conditions were in play that led to my slow and steady adoption of  "government is the answer to all our ills" ideology. I had turned 30 and was feeling somewhat panicky about my life. I was a new mother and struggling with the resentment that comes with the pressures and sense of inadequacy that all new mothers feel. My husband and I were struggling with our marriage, mostly because I was so embroiled in a self-centered, "my happiness is all about me" mindset. I wasn't sure about my future as a married woman, a mother or even a competent human being.

I didn't believe in myself and, quite honestly, I wanted someone to rescue me from the panic I felt. I wanted to be free from the insecurities I felt toward taking care of my child and myself. I wanted the illusion of being independent, with someone else doing all the heavy lifting.

Do I sound like a sad sack? Wait, there's more! I was also in the throes of a powerful religious conversion from my twenties and had accepted the tenets of liberation theology. Liberation theology is an ideology that replaces the tenets of religious faith (which requires humble submission to a our creator, a benevolent, supernatural, omnipotent, yet transcendent God) with a political ideology of compassion and good works. On a psychological level, liberation theology is actually a type of Messiah complex, where the followers see themselves and their anointed vision of utopia as the final frontier, the Kingdom of God. They just happen to have the "correct" vision of the Kingdom and since it's based on compassion, it must not be questioned.

If all that baggage wasn't enough, there's one more component that added to my political liberalism. You can't be truly enlightened without some good old fashioned, white liberal guilt. In my religious zeal to show my compassion, I had to revisit all the sins of humanity (but only white, European, male humanity) to ensure that I was duly repentant and that I had properly renounced my identity as a white, privileged American. Since I am a woman, I get to play the victim card when it suits my purposes, but being white, I still must hang my head in sorrow and be on the lookout for any and all improper attitudes.

My newfound political ideology was based on emotional neediness, self-doubt and, to complete the conversion, a little self-contempt. My intentions, though, were good. I only wanted everybody to feel cared for. I wanted them to know the love that I knew from my Creator and surely if we make the government (as our own false God) responsible for everybody's basic needs, that would be the result, right? Everybody would know they are loved and treasured by God, if all their basic needs were provided for. That is, if we had universal health care, government provided shelter, food, clothing, education, transportation, family planning, retirement, employment and recreation. Somebody, somewhere, was making enough money to pay for it all, I was sure. Those people are the "winners" and should have to pay for the rest of us.

The problem that I didn't see is one that most teenagers don't get, that is, he who pays the bills, has the power. If the government is providing my health care, then the government gets to decide what medical care I get and when. If the government provides my transportation, they determine what I can or cannot drive. If they provide my education, they determine what I am allowed to learn and so on.

I cannot escape this same feeling on a national level in 2008. Our country has had a long bout of economic prosperity. As a population we've ignored our responsibility as citizens and we've repeated an age old cycle that the Old Testament prophets warn about. We've taken good times and rather than act with gratitude and responsibility, we've partied hard, worshiped the golden calf, engaged in irresponsible sexual activity (which is what happens when we feel invincible and entitled), spent money we didn't have and failed to build our homes on solid ground.

Our institutions are raging with self contempt as we've seen the liberal judges on the Supreme Court rule against our own national security by the recent ruling against the President that enemy combatants (such as the 9-11 attackers) are "entitled" to U.S. taxpayer court appointed defense against their captors (our U.S. soldiers).

We've seen it in the environmentalist movement who refuses American companies the right to explore and drill for much needed oil. These same environmentalists don't seem to mind that we pay dearly for importing oil from third world countries' who exploit and profit from their drilling (which I guarantee is carried out with far less regard for the environment than American companies would).

I propose that we use our guilt, fear, self-doubt and other negative feelings to love our neighbor and offer help to others from the fruits of our own labors and not from the labors of others. Let's use our feelings and sentiments to heal one another, not make public policy.

(printed as weekly op-ed in The Federal Way Mirror, June 21, 2008)