Let me take you on a journey.  This is a journey to a special place.  It is called Aaron Park Fantasy Land.

In Aaron Park Fantasy Land, an unholy alliance of the Sacramento Bee; the U.S. Attorney's office; the Federal Bureau of Investigation; conservative Republicans such as myself, Eric Egland, Ken Campbell, and Ted Gaines; moderate Republicans like Mike Holmes; ultra-liberal Democrats like the Daily Kos, and local Democrat activists, are working together in a well-coordinated, massive plot to destroy John Doolittle. 

Strange, you might say, that such a disparate group is all working together?  Not in Aaron Park Fantasy Land!  (APFL)

And why, you are probably asking, are they out to get John Doolittle?  Probably because he has been such an effective conservative leader, right?  That must be it.  He's been so effective in reigning in Congressional spending and Pork, that must be it?  Or his steadfast and unwavering support for the War against Radical Islamic Fundamentalism?

That must be it.

In APFL, you get to believe that these groups who would all normally be radically opposed to each other have somehow found common cause in destroying John Doolittle.

Imagine if you will, the dialog at the daily meetings in APFL:

SCENE:  We are sitting around a makeshift conference table in what looks like a campaign office war room:

Sacramento Bee:  I hereby call the meeting of the ABD Caucus to order.  Since we at the Bee have at this the longest, we will chair the meeting.  Who's present?

Daily Kos:  Present, representing the MoveOn net roots.  We're here to finally defeat our nemesis, John Doolittle.  He's been such a steadfast supporter of George Bush's unconstitutional and ill-advised War in Iraq that he simply has to go.

Eric Egland: Actually, earlier this year, he sort of implied that he was losing faith in the war effort...that's one of the reasons I decided to run against him.  We need to stay the course in the war. 

Kos: That's just part of his secret plan to actually support the war. 

Mike Holmes:  I'm here.  John Doolittle is representative of all that is wrong with the Republican Party, which has been captured by right-wing extremists.  We need to take back the party!  Fiscally conservative, socially moderate!

Ken Campbell:  Actually, he's not much of a fiscal conservative...have you seen all the earmarks he votes for?

Mike Holmes:  So you are saying he's a social conservative but a fiscal liberal? 

Ken Campbell:  Yep.

Mike Holmes:  Well, then I am definitely opposed to John Doolittle!  I think. 

Lawrence Dubois (Placer Democrats Chair): We're here to help.  His relentless and effective pursuit of the fiscally and environmentally irresponsible Auburn Dam is wrong for Placer County, he must be stopped!

Ken Campbell: Actually, he's been working on the Auburn Dam for 20 years, and it's going nowhere. 

Dubois:  Who cares?  We're still opposing Doolittle.  He's just too effective a national conservative leader.

Campbell: But I just said he's not been all that effective or conservative lately...

Dubois: (Interupting) SILENCE!  We're opposed to John Doolittle, end of discussion.

US Attorney:  We're here to help.  Not exactly sure why.  We just got a note to show up, someone said they had a job for us.  Something about stopping someone?

Kos: Yeah, we need you to start an investigation of Congressman John Doolittle for federal corruption charges.   Maybe have the FBI raid his house or something.

US Atty: Ok...what has he done wrong?

Kos:  I dunno, make something up.

US Atty: How about we make up a story about how he's really close to a corrupt super lobbyist...

Kos: Actually, he did do that.

US Atty:  Whatever.  Did it, didn't do it, doesn't matter to us.  Sure OK, we do that all the time.  We especially like to ruin the political careers of effective, conservative Republicans who support law enforcement.

Campbell: He's really not that conservative any...

FBI Agent: Ken, it really doesn't matter.  We're out to get John Doolittle, remember?

Sac Bee: This is great.  You guys trump up some charges, and we'll report it on the front page.  BIG HEADLINES!

Jeff Flint: And I'll report it on my blog.  Then Doolittle will lose his primary, and a good conservative like Ted Gaines or Eric Egland will win the primary and hold the seat for us!

Charlie Brown:  Excuse me?

Jeff Flint: I said...

Charlie Brown: I heard what you said, but this is about electing me, not saving the seat for Republicans.

Eric Egland and Ted Gaines (in unison): No, it's about me winning the Republican primary and holding onto the seat!

Egland: No, Ted, it's about me.

Gaines: Sorry, Eric its about me.  Oh, and FBI guy, why you are at it, can you destroy all evidence of that photo of me and Doolittle?

Kos: Actually, we'll need that photo.

Gaines:  Why?

Kos: (smiles and says nothing...)

Dubois: Well, we all agree that we would rather Doolittle keep the nomination, cause we can beat him in the general.

Egland/Gaines/Holmes: You want Doolittle to win the primary?

Dubois/Kos/Bee:  Of course!  Don't you?

Egland/Gaines/Holmes: Ummm....

FBI Agent: Do I get to raid anyone's house yet?

Sac Bee: Just let us know when, so we can have a reporter and photographer there.

Kos:  Ok, so I will call the Attorney General and get him to give you the green light for the investigation and the raid and subpoenas and all that law enforcement stuff. 

Gaines:  You know the Attorney General?

Kos: Sure.  We're good friends.

Gaines:  But didn't you oppose his confirmation because he supports the War and won't rule out water boarding?

Kos: That was all for show.  We actually wanted him there so he could help us go after Doolittle.

Flint:  So wait, you actually faked opposition to the Attorney General, who you secretly supported, because you wanted him there to help with the massive yet still secret conspiracy to get John Doolittle, because he's been such an effective conservative leader, except that he's not been all that effective, nor that conservative, but we all really just want him out anyway, and we don't agree on who should take his place?

Everyone together: Exactly!

Flint: Makes sense...but there's a problem.  Aaron Park.

Kos:  Aaron Park!

Flint: Yep, he's found out about the ABD Caucus.  And he's blogging about it.

Holmes:  How did he find out?

Flint:  Are you kidding, he's Aaron Park.  He's even more effective than John Doolittle.

Campbell:  But's Doolittle's not exactly that...

Everyone: Yeah, Ken, we know, he's not that effective.  You and the Re-Pork card, you're a broken record on that.

Campbell: But it helps get rid of Doolittle so we can have an effective, conservative leader like Eric Egland...

Gaines/Holmes/Brown (shouting in unison): HEY!

Sac Bee: Alright, alright, everyone, settle down.  Keep your eyes on the big prize, defeating John Doolittle to pay him back for defeating Al Rhodda.

Jeff Flint: I haven't lived in Placer County that long, who's Al Rhodda....

Campbell: I'm confused, since the DOJ and FBI are in on the conspiracy, why don't we just have them indict and convict him, then Doolittle will be out!

Sac Bee: Ken, Ken, that's far too easy.  This is a massive, super secret, highly effective, bi-partisan, crossing the ideological spectrum, rising to the highest levels of the Government, Anybody But Doolittle Caucus...

Everyone together: ...and this is Aaron Park Fantasy Land!

Conversation continues as we FADE TO BLACK