We chicks have recently become aware of a manifesto of sorts being created by some key players within the Occupy Wall Street movement. And while it appears to be in its infancy, not yet ready for release, what I’ve read so far is both frightening and hilarious.

I wanna just look at it and think, “Holy wow – look at the insane ramblings of the crazy hippies” and dismiss it, but the problem with that is that these authors and editors are representative of perhaps hundreds of thousands of like-minded wackjobs who are oblivious to the fact that in their fervor to create a fair and equitable society, their demands, if met, would cause the eventual collapse of our entire country. But you know, whatever. What’s more important is those Wall Street Occupiers are busying themselves pooping in the street (and on police cars!) and interfering with people just trying to get to work in NY. They wouldn’t understand that, you see, what with it being WORK and whatnot.

Incidentally, you all heard that Obama has basically endorsed this movement, right? His entire administration is practically salivating over it. Nancy Pelosi said of the movement, “God bless them for their spontaneity. It’s independent … it’s young, it’s spontaneous, and it’s focused. And it’s going to be effective.” The Tea Party is comprised of racist terrorists, but the hippies pooping in the street? TOTAL PATRIOTS.

The manifesto is still in edit mode but there are some fabulous nuggets that I’d just like to highlight and share with you. It makes me reeeeeally excited to see what the final version will look like. It is expected to be voted on, by the Occupy Wall Street people, on November 20th. Let’s review a few of the demands, shall we?

1. Goldman Sachs, Citbank, Chase, BofA, and Wells Fargo, as well as other “larger than life” institutions like them, “need to redirect funds from their profit sheets on a regular basis to community bank start ups or credit unions to assure economic diversity within the nation to state and county regulations.” So all of you crazy small business owners with dreams of growing your companies to “larger than life” size? Just be prepared, once you succeed, that your profits will "need" to be redirected to smaller, struggling operations in the name of “economic diversity.” You know.

2. The section on education is mind-blowing. These are direct quotes right from the document:

“Education should be funded with some of the $2 billion/week that goes to war-funding. At least 50% of it. This will weaken our millitary (sci) by 50% at least, forcing the rest of the world to pick up the slack. This will in turn cause their economies to tank, taking ours with it. But at least we’ll be highly educated.”

WHIZZUH WHUZZAH? Let’s tank our economy, knowingly, willfully, because at least we’ll be highly educated? THIS IS HOW THE HIPPIES THINK. “We’ll be impoverished, jobless, hungry, and miserable, but BY GOLLY WE WILL BE EDUCATED.”

But wait. It gets better. They suggest, “Socialize undergraduate level college. Make failing impossible to assure that everyone has the same chance in the work place post-college.” And if you DARE to be smarter than the average Joe, like, say, Harrison Bergeron, than we’ll just figure out a way to suppress your intellect. No more of this silly competition and working hard nonsense. Everyone should get an A!

And of course, it should all be free: “Free education for all. Use former war expenses and equitable taxation of the rich to develop free public schools, free text books, free higher education. Assure that every student educated in the United States has a guaranteed job or can perform service in some way that recompenses their education. Forgive all current student loans.”

In other words, to quote the well-known intellectual powerhouse Britney Spears, “Gimme gimme more, gimme gimme more.”

Now here’s the one that should make the hairs on everyone’s arms stand up:

“Teach character building classes from grade one, measure success based on drive/cooperation/interactions with others, not only final outcome. Impose universal morality for parents who do not participate in raising their children. Remove children from households with parents who refuse to educate them properly. Provide for re-education of parents in how to properly raise their children for the happiness of the Party.”

Um, say WHAT? Universal morality?!? So, if you don’t raise your kids according to the way these hippies see fit, they’ll take your kids from you, and send you to re-education camps. PERFECT.

3. The hippies have demands when it comes to energy, as you might expect. They say, “We believe it to be a national priority to promote renewable energy and energy efficiency, and end fossil fuel reliance in heating, transportation, and electricity generation.” That’s all well and good, right? And their solution is simple. “Ban hydraulic fracking permanently, and close all existing plants. Replace with geothermal, hydroelectric (including tidal), wind, solar, and Fusion. Ban mountaintop removal in coal mining. Make solar and wind power not at all dependent on crude oil to build infrastructure, and as efficient as nuclear.” See? All better. Just build solar and wind power plants without using any energy from anything other than solar and wind power sources. Piece of cake!

And the hippies love the control and power of the EPA. They say, “Empower the EPA to regulate as it is legally supposed to, and enforce all existing regulations to the letter. Impose an explicit pollution tariff on imported goods manufactured using insufficient environmental regulations, and ruthlessly bankrupt all businesses, no matter their size, for any infraction, no matter how small.” Because just THINK of all the jobs that will be created from bankrupting businesses due to excessive regulation!

Oh wait.

4. On justice: “Extend constitutional rights to anyone taken into custody by American Officials. Always abide by Habius (sic) Corpus and such human rights treaties. Permanently shut down Guantanamo Bay. Give every prisoner, everywhere, a fair trial by Their Own Peers (not just randomly selected citizens or court marshals.)”

I hope the final version of the manifesto talks about how those “peers” are selected. Because you know these goobers have thought that through.

5. On happiness: “To ensure that our government is addressing the needs of its tax paying citizens, it should be held accountable for achieving specific Gross National Happiness index target values.”

Seriously.

You’ll be pleased to know that the whole matter of salary and compensation has been thought through by the OWS folks. They’ve created “New Salary Range Recommendations Based on Concepts of Economic Sustainability and Right Livelihood.” YAY! Check them out:

“Bankers $20,000
Lawyers $27,500
Realtors $25,000
Doctors $28,000
Nurses $27,500
Teachers/Librarians/Train Engineers/Bridge Maintenance/Ship Pilots, etc. $35,000
Police $36,000
Public Servants $28,500
Laborers $20,000
Other public sector $30,000
Other private sector $29,000
Technical/Research/Academic $36,000
Entrepreneurs/Business Owners $10,000
Congress $30,000
President 40,000
Soldiers N/A
Defense workers $25,000

All jobs include full health benefit for worker and family, full retirement benefits, full free education for children.”

Just look at the incentive there is for entrepreneurs and business owners! (Snort). See how smart the writers of this crap are? Pay the least to the very people who foot the bill, and see how far that gets you, morons.

This is just a taste of the hippie goodness, you guys. It’s being written and edited by all sorts of people, but the ringleader appears to be Ralph Meima, who you can read about here.

My own personal theory about this whole movement is that it won’t stop until a) it gets really cold in NYC and b) there is bloodshed. These people are crazy. And if you’re wondering why the park in Manhattan is allowing them to basically destroy the place, then here’s your answer. The management company who owns the park just got $135 million of your tax dollars to subsidize a wind farm. And that story gets juicier – see here for all the sordid details.

Anyway, enjoy reading through the New Economic Charter (we link to it again here because you MUST), clever and competent readers. Especially if you’re looking for good comical fiction. Or a horror story.

Either way, it fits the bill.